I'm Scared....

 

When it all comes down to it, I’m scared.  I’m scared that God’s timing is not going to look how I want it to look.  I’m worried, stressed, and the anxiety hanging out in my muscles is enough to tell me a nice massage would be great right now.

15 months ago, Wes and I both got this insane amount of peace regarding international adoption.  In the same week, and individually, we got this sense that we were supposed to start the process to adopt a child from Nepal.  It was crazy.  We had no money, and we had no idea how it was all going to pan out. 

A lot of things have happened in 15 months.  6 months into the process with Nepal, with our dossier already in country, things started to get really sticky with Nepal adoptions.  The U.S. government was handing out warning after warning about adopting from Nepal.  Other countries were closing down their Nepal adoption programs.  It didn’t look good.  After a tortuous few days of praying and discussing, we finally decided to start the process to adopt from Ethiopia.  That was in March of 2010.  On May 20^th, our dossier flew away to Ethiopia.  On September 9^th we got “the phone call”.  We had been matched with 3 month old twins.  AND, it was a boy and a girl.  God had blown our minds.  Then, we waited 5 tortuous weeks from the time court reopened, to the time we got our court date (I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but when everyone else at your agency has gotten theirs 2 weeks after court reopens, you start thinking that maybe your paperwork got used as a doorstop at the courthouse, and nobody is every going to find it.)  This was the absolute WORST part of the wait for me.  I think it was especially hard because our agency didn’t know it was going to take that long either, so they kept saying, “Surely it will be tomorrow.”  There were a lot of “tomorrows” in the wait, which make it WAY worse.  This was due to NO fault of their own.  They had no control over the wait once it was submitted to court.  As a matter of fact, our agency has been supremely thorough about EVERYTHING which makes me feel a whole heck of a lot better about the whole process.

And here I sit today, in front of this computer screen, realizing we are a mere 3 weeks away from our departure for Ethiopia.  And yes….I am scared.  At least that’s the best way I know how to describe how I am feeling right now.  This past week I have been a bundle of nerves, which is not the norm for me.  I am usually pretty level-headed, and a fairly positive person.  I always try to see the good in every situation, which at times really annoys people.  I’ll admit it.   But….that’s not me right now. 

I’m convinced that blogging, and reading other adoption blogs is both a blessing and a curse.  I have been reading the blogs in my blog list daily for the last 9 months or so.  I have gotten to know different mothers and fathers.  Some of them I have even become good friends with.  The support of this community has been a rock for me in times of uncertainty.  It has been a constant.  Everyone has cheered for us with every milestone we have passed.  Our friends here in Lexington have gone to Queen of Sheba & Outback Steakhouse for more milestone celebrations than I care to admit.  It has been amazing.

But now that we are close to the end of our wait, I read these blogs and hang on to them like a lifeline.  This is where the “curse” part comes in.  There have been several families who have encountered delays in their process.  Court dates have been changed, important papers have gone missing, and some have even had referrals withdrawn.  It is daunting to say the least.  And that’s when I get scared.  I think, “What if this happens to us?  What makes us so special?  We aren’t any better than the rest of these families?  We haven’t prayed more, or earned more spiritual points.  We are just like everyone else.”  Worry and stress abound, and I am lost in a see of fear.  I start thinking, “What if the birth mother comes back for them?  What if our case is delayed?  What if we have to wait months or even years to bring them home?  What if we don’t have enough money?”  Yeah, I’ve been thinking ALL of these things all week now.  It has not been very edifying. 

Which brings me to this very moment, to the here and now.  And right now, I’m going to take a step beyond every one of these feelings and declare what I know to be true….

Our God is faithful.  He has provided every single penny for every single part of this process.  We have never lacked at all.  When roadblocks in this journey came up (there are still things I have not shared on this blog about our adoption process, but don’t worry, the time will come when I will), He told us, “It will be okay.  Just trust me.  I will take care of everything.”  And He did.  I can’t count the tears of joy I have cried over this past year, but every one of those tears is due to the miraculous and amazing God I call Father.  So now, in the midst of my fear and worry, I can still say that He is Lord, and He is above all things.  What if there is a delay?  He is still good, and He is still in control.  What if the birth mother comes back for them?  God is still good, and He is still in control. 

I am not in control of any of this.  Wes is not in control of any of this.  The only thing we have control over is the way we choose to respond to the roadblocks and bumps that come our way.  That doesn’t mean we can’t be sad at times, or that we can’t hurt.  We have done that plenty, and no matter what happens, we will still have times where hurt and sadness overwhelm us.  In the end, though, I choose to place my hope and trust in the One who has provided for every last thing in my life….the One who has never failed, and the One who has always been faithful to pour out His love and joy in the most difficult moments. I hope that I’m not coming across as some goody two-shoes, or a super spiritual nut.   I’m not.  I hurt just as much as the next person when difficult things come my way, and sometimes I forget that God really is in control and has my best interests at heart.  But I don’t ever want to lose hope.  I don’t want my life to be all about me.  I want it to count for something, no matter what happens.

So in the midst of my pain, I will still cry out to the One who saved me from an eternity without Him.  I will still trust in His goodness, no matter how dreadful the circumstances seem around me.   I will remember that this adoption was His idea in the first place.  I will remember that He has provided all the money to cover this adoption.  I will remember that He has kept our babies safe and healthy in their orphanage while we wait to meet them.

I love my God so much, and I know that He loves me without limits.  That is the only thing in life that I could never bear to lose.