When the Unknown is just too much....

The last few days were a very dark time for me here in Ethiopia. There are many emotions I have gone through. I have cried many many tears, and questioned God, and wondered why this has all been so painful.

About 3 days ago, I lay on the bed crying. I couldn’t understand why we were hitting delay after delay. Why couldn’t one single thing go smoothly? Why were there so many questions? Why were there so few answers. We have hit snags with the birth mother. We have had the question come up about whether or not the twins could be taken away from us. We have had problems with our agency. We have had constant miscommunication with just about every person we have met here. It has been so hard. It has been overwhelming. It has been almost too much.

As I lay on the bed crying, Wes sat down next to me and began to read scripture aloud. He read for quite a while. After he finished reading through the Word, he began to pray, and as Wes prayed he began to cry also. And there we were on our bed here in Addis Ababa, while the twins were sleeping, after 9 long weeks….and we wept. We wept together over everything. Great sobs escaped my lips, and my heart ached with the pain of everything that had happened. We had tried to be strong for so long, but we were at the end of our strength. And so we wept more. We had nothing left. God had to come through, or we would have nothing left to give. We would have nothing left to be able to continue to hope.

God had told us to pack our bags and get ready. He had told us to just trust Him. And yet here we were, once again, being told it could be several weeks before we left. More interviews had to be conducted. Paperwork had to be redone. Fear was plaguing us. What if we lost our babies? What if Wes had to go home ahead of me? How long would this take?

Had we missed God? Had we misheard Him? Had we done something wrong? Why couldn’t one single thing go right?

These were the questions that were hitting us….well, mainly me. My faith had been challenged, and I felt like I was losing the challenge. I had been strong for so long. I had been positive for so long, but I felt like my tank was empty. God was going to have to come through in a big way, or I would lose all hope.

Two days ago, when we were actually told it would be several more weeks, I felt crushed. I felt worse than the day before. There is nothing more difficult than the unknown in the adoption process. The unknown can mean so many things. It can mean long stays. It can mean faulty paperwork. It can mean losing your children. You just don’t know, because it is unknown, and all you can do is wait on the unknown, and pray it doesn’t steal your joy away.

And yet, in the back of my mind, and in the deepest parts of my soul, I still know that God is good. I know that He is for us and not against us. And as I lay there on the bed, weeping once again, Wes said something very important to me. He said that the enemy can try and take many things away from us. He can take away our homes, our families, our possessions….but there is one thing he can never take away from us….he can never take away our intimacy with Christ. And once again, we sat there, and just entered into His presence, and into His rest.

And today I am feeling a renewed sense of hope. I am sensing a refreshing of faith and rest. God has not left us, nor will He ever leave us. Today I hold firm to that truth. I can’t tell you what tomorrow will bring, but I can tell you that we will persevere, and even after everything we will stand.

Right now, we are believing in miracles, and praying that we will be able to go home next week. This will take miracles in many forms, but we know that our God is able. Would you believe with us?

And just so you know we can still laugh and have fun here, we thought we'd share a little video of our booger monster. She has been quite sick, but it makes for great video footage. I'm also enjoying watching Alex try to gouge her eye out with his toy...Ah, siblings.