Tuesday, September 22, 2009

It's Really Real Now....

So today we sent out our agency agreement. The first boatload of money was sent in the form of a check along with it. Yikes! But I feel GREAT about it! Wes and I spent about 4 hours yesterday evening filling out all the home study questions, criminal background check forms, this and that form, scanning birth certificates, insurance cards, licenses, marriage license, getting the vet to sign off on our animals not being a threat to our children, etc. etc. etc. And that's only the beginning! There is so much more to come, but at least that's done and over with.

On Sunday we will travel to Owensboro, to participate in an "Education Interview", which basically is a time to learn about all things international adoption. There will be three other families there that are adopting from Nepal, so we are truly excited about meeting them, because we will all be able to relate to one another's experiences. I'm really looking forward to this.

It's funny, I look at that little adoption ticker that's at the bottom of this blog, every day. Sometimes I just stare at it, wishing that it said 200 or 300 days already, making it closer to the day we bring home our baby girl or boy. Today it says, 6 days.

Of course, my heart for Nepal started growing about 6 and a half years ago. And when we first found out about the infertility, I immediately thought of Nepal as the country I wanted to adopt from. The four months I spent there in 2003 really had an impact on me. And last night, as we were filling out our Animal Safety form, I remembered that our cats' names are Nepali names. Himalaya and Sati. Himalaya for the mountain range, and Sati for the word "friend" (Sati actually means "virtuous wife", but the way you spell friend in Nepali is "sathi", and we knew americans would never pronounce it right if we spelled it that way). :) So anyways, we thought that was kind of cool.

I feel like I have been in a constant state of anticipation for the last two weeks. Some days it is good anticipation, and other days are not so good. That evil fear has crept up on me at times, trying to torment me with the idea that something would go wrong with our adoption, and Nepal would deny our application. I feel confident in the fact that this is the way in which we should walk. It's funny when something actually just clicks. There are so many questions we have throughout our lives. There are so many times when I have wondered if I was doing the right thing, or if it was actually God that spoke something to me. There is often that lingering voice saying, "What if you made this all up? What if it wasn't actually God speaking to you, but just your own selfish ambitions crying out?" What's unique about this situation, is I don't feel that at all. I feel confident that this is where the Lord is leading us. The other day a woman at a certain adoption agency told me that she wouldn't recommend Nepal for adoption if we've had any large medical concerns in our past. Of course there was a momentary, "What if she's right? What if it all fails?" But in the very next instant, I felt absolutely certain that this was the right course of action. I felt that God was saying, "I will go beyond every obstacle, and make the path clear. This is the way you should walk. Walk in it." Even as I repeat those words, as I speak them out loud, I feel overwhelmed at the weight and beauty of those words. As humans, we question our ambitions all the time. What is our motivation? What if this is all selfish ambition?

This past week I was reading The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazely, an AMAZING story about how she and her husband came to adopt their little girl from Romania (I cried tears of joy throughout the entire book!). I loved how she described her dream to adopt, and God's place in that dream in her book: "The word of God tells us that the Lord wants to give us the desires of our hearts in accordance with His will (Psalm 37:4). Sometimes we fear our desires and longings. We assume that our yearnings are not spiritual enough to merit God's approval. In reality, our deepest hopes often are rooted in dreams that God Himself has planted in our hearts. Without the pull of our emotions, that compelling sense that this is the direction we should go, I doubt we would ever have the courage to move forward." I LOVE that! Those words really ministered to my heart. I felt confirmation from the Lord that my heart is not deceived! This is the way He is asking us to walk!

I realize that this journey is only beginning, but I cannot wait for the days to come. I am aware of the frustrations and complications that come with international adoption, but I can only trust in the One who called us to it. I have to believe that His ways are perfect and good, and I am confident in His plans for me. I don't know what all of them are, but I know He has the best for His children.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you. I too have been having doubts as to whether I have been letting my own desires get in the way of what the lord wants. This post really helped me put my fears to rest. I am so glad that I am not alone.