I will not be shaken...

Back in September, we started the adoption journey.  We applied, were accepted into the 2010 Nepal program, and we were excited.  We heard stories and read blogs about how difficult and trying the process of international adoption can be.  And despite all that, for the most part I have kept a very level head.  You could even say I've kept an extremely positive level head. I want to be strong.  I don't don't want my faith to be shaken.  I want every day to be a day that I tell God I trust Him with this process.  I want this blog to be a place where people who are going through the same process, can find encouragement and joy.  I still want that.  

But at the same time, I don't want anyone who reads this blog, or any friend who is walking through all of this with us, to think for one second that this hasn't been truly difficult.  It has only been four months (just a moment of time in the adoption world), and I am already having days where I crumble under the waiting.  This past Saturday, when I laid down to go to sleep, I cried and cried.  I asked God why it has to be so hard for us.  I asked Him why it had to take so long.  I didn't hear an answer.  I could only lay there with the knowledge that He has already given to me; that He has everything under control, and that I don't need to worry.  Of course, as a mere mortal, I can carry that knowledge in my heart every day, and even find great amounts of joy and comfort in that knowledge, but impatience and longing sometimes get the best of me.  For one year, we tried to get pregnant.  In year two, we believed for a miracle (since Wes's cancer had erased all medical hope of pregnancy).  In year three, we went through the foster to adopt program through the State.  Due to staff shortage and a complete lack of organization on their part, we didn't get approved until a year later, and at that point we had already started the process to adopt from Nepal.  Which brings us to year four.  Here we are, waiting for documents from the American government to be approved.  Here we are waiting and wondering when Nepal will process our application once it has been sent over there.  Here we are wondering if we will have our first child before I turn 33 (in January of 2011).  There is so much uncertainty.  There is no guarantee that we will have a baby within a year, which is the estimated amount of time they expect it to take to adopt from Nepal.   There is no guarantee, that even after we have paid the estimated $23,000 it takes to adopt a child from Nepal, we will even get a child.  Everyone in this process is warned that there are those slight possibilities that a program can close in the midst of your process, and you can lose all the money you've put into it.  These are all possibilities.  I've met people who have gone through this very thing.  These are all the risks we take in order to increase our family, and give a new life to a child with no family.

Is it all worth it?  Yes.  I believe it is.  Was Isaac worth the wait?   I think his parents thought so, and I know I'm thankful that God fulfilled that promise to Abraham and Sarah.  How could I not be thankful?  

So even in the midst of the heartache, I know it is all worth it.  And I know I am not alone.  There are so many others who have waited longer, and gone through much more than Wes and I could imagine.  I know that full well.

In my weakness on Saturday, I reached out for counsel from another mother who has already adopted from Nepal, and is going through the process once again.  She is one of many who understand how hard this process can be.  She said, "I know it hurts (now), but it will melt away once you hold your child."  She is so right.  It hurts a lot right now, but that will seem like nothing compared to the joy we feel the day we are joined with our son and/or daughter.  What will that day be like?  What will it feel like to become mother in an instant?  What will it be like to see their beautiful eyes looking back into mine?  I can only imagine.  And after all is said and done, and our baby has come home....every moment of uncertainty....every year of waiting....every dollar laid down...every tear of heartache shed....it will all have been worth it.