This has been a tough five years. Our pursuit for children has taken us down the road of infertility and cancer; both are stealers of life and joy; Fear and Misery 2 and Wes and Nina 0.
We have overcome the cancer; in two years i will be given a clean bill of health, 1 down 1 to go. But I would like to clarify that I only had cancer (that I was aware of) for about 4 days. I found out on a Friday and on Monday it was gone; that was a relief, knowing that the 4 cm of death were eradicated. The infertility still remains.
That leaves us in a difficult situation as I have always wanted to be father since I was very young. Though the cancer actually eased the pain of infertility because being sterile was not my fault, I still felt cut off from my future fatherhood. I knew that adoption was an option but I wanted have my own child, flesh of my flesh, my offspring; a child that would carry the Mullins' gene so that the linage would remain. (My cousin and I are the only children in this branch of the Mullins', if we don't have children then that line stops.) I became really uncertain of my future and my heritage, when my father had passed away earlier in the spring that same year; I felt really alone and disconnected to life. Adoption to me was just a substitute.
It wasn't that I wouldn't love the child as my own. I have plenty of kids that I have grown attached to over the years and I have a paternal instinct, but the thoughts of a child that looked like me or my wife and had my characteristics and mannerisms innate in it's dna was intoxicating. Those thoughts kept me from embracing the idea of adoption, but the Lord changed my heart on that. We, as gentile Christians have been adopted and grafted into the vine and we share the same reward and blessings as Abraham's children. Our Nepali children will be no different as they will inherit all the benefits of being a Mullins.
I have felt that we are supposed to adopt from Nepal and that this will be the first of many?! (I have no idea how many we will parent, we will stop when he tells us to.) I still believe for Nina and I to have children naturally but I know that the Lord has a child out there for us, a child that needs us, and child that he wants to bring to us.
The thing about Children of promise is that they always come right on time, but that is not always when we think they should. Isaac didn't come for Abraham until he was over 100 years old; if he comes sooner then the generational timeline for the birth of Jesus wouldn't have through that seed. Isaac had to come when God had ordained. John the baptist came in his appointed season. We all are on earth for our appointed season.
Romans 9:8-9, "[...] but the children of the promise are counted in the seed. (9) for this is the word of promise, at this time I come and Sara shall have a son."
I am very excited that we are going to have a child, but my emotions are not very apparent. I think that i have been guarding my heart. I have wanted to be a father for such a very long time, and now that it grows closer I feel like it could actually happen. Our lives are going to be forever changed and hopefully we can offer the same for that Nepali child.
I am not concerned with the gender of the child but in my heart I would like a boy. I know that Nina wants a girl, but I will be very happy with any child that God allows us to help raise up. Even when we will have our own natural children it will be exactly the same; we will be happy to help raise them up as God allows it. I know the Lord has very special children for our future, even if he never allows Nina and I to conceive, I will forever Trust His justice, judgement, and his Grace. We are here for such a short time there is no reason to create bitterness upon grounds that we can not control nor change the outcome, especially with a reservoir of unforgiveness toward the Creator of the World. His nature is to create and re-create, and He is Love, He is Truth, He is Life; He can not be unfair or unjust, nor can he be anything less than God. The only that can changes is my attitude towards him and if i am walking in true intimacy with Christ by the guiding of the Holy Spirit, then His perfect will will be unveiled in His timing and it cannot bring less than His Joy; THE JOY of the LORD is My Strength (Neh 8:10). Remember that it is His Joy that is your strength; His joy is eternally joyful. Barrenness doesn't have to be a burden or a plight from where we draw out our identities...we must find our identity in Christ and have validation through Him, not through our sufferings. Romans 8:18, "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the Glory which shall be revealed "IN US!!!"
I want to say how much I love my wife and the woman that she is. We've grow so much over the Adoption process, our communication has increased, and we are so much in love. We stand united in Love with open arms for the Children that God will bless to come under our care and into our hearts. We will love them because He first loved us. I John 4:19, "We love because he has first loved us!"
a follower of Christ,