Thursday, June 24, 2010

Waiting Woes...



So inevitably, after my post about encouragement and support, comes a post about discouragement and tears.  Well, it's probably not that drastic, but the sentence structure was nice.  Honestly, yesterday was quite the crappy day for me.  I woke up just feeling in the pits.  I sat at my computer, working on an engagement photo book, and my heart was just weeping.  Yes, you will hear the same tale of woe from almost every adoptive mother-to-be. 

In literature and even in movies, there are often inanimate or intangible things that seem to become a character in the story, and play an active role in the life of that story.  Many of you have seen Castaway with Tom Hanks, and you will remember his buddy Wilson.  Yup....that bloodied volleyball that became his best friend while he was on the deserted island.  I remember toward the end of the movie when Hanks' character attempts to sail away from the island, and when a storm destroys his raft, he loses Wilson.  I cried when he lost that stupid volleyball.  It had become a part of the story, and a part of his life.  When he mourned the loss of Wilson, so did I.




I think one of the main characters in anyone's adoption story is the wait.  It seems to take on a life of its own, and we never know what to expect from one day to the next.  Nine months ago, when we started the process to adopt internationally (i'll leave out the year we tried to get pregnant, and then the discovery of cancer, and then the year we tried to adopt through the State), the wait seemed so bearable.  I felt ready for it, and I was excited.  I knew it might take a long time, but I felt strong.  Fast forward nine months, and from time to time I have days like I had yesterday.  My heart ached, and I longed for the wait to end.  I felt exhausted by it, and tortured.  I cried and just wanted Jesus to wrap me up and hold me tight.  The wait takes many forms, and at times is the greatest protagonist....the good guy....for we know that we wait for a reason, and at the end of the wait there is the greatest gift:  a child.  Of course, it often feels like the antagonist of our adoption story too, because it is the one thing keeping us from the very thing it seems to promise us:  a child.

So at the end of the day, you accept that every once in a while, the antagonist wins.  But for the majority of our days, we realize that the protagonist is ever more popular and much more enjoyable to spend time with.  So today I will try to embrace the wait with the strength that is being renewed within me, because I love it when the good guy wins.

10 comments:

  1. Always praying for you guys...I cannot imagine how that wait feels ((hugs))

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  2. Nina. I am so with you. I have had the exact kind of day when I've boasted about how this is a marathon not a sprint and it's in God's timing and we are just leaning into this beautiful season of waiting and blah, blah blah. Like an hour later I just want to punch something and cry and sleep and eat and spend all the adoption fund money on something silly just to rebel against the agony of waiting for what seems like an eternity. I've been there and it sucks. It zaps the life, peace and joy. That's okay. You're okay.

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  3. Thank you Cindy! We LOVE the prayer. And Bex, YES, it's good to realize that sometimes it's okay to have a crappy day. It's not always an attack from the enemy or super spiritual. Sometimes it just hurts, and you've gotta let it out, and it's nice to be okay with that.

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  4. Wow...Nina...I cried again...stupid movie!

    Haha. Now to reality. I know those days are long and hard and they pop in and out. On one side it may be easier for me already having kids; on another side it may be that I am a guy; on another side it could also be that I only mailed off our dossier today.

    But I also know the reality of wanting something/someone so bad and having to wait. It consumes you. I know this will sound weird and totally lame, but when I found out I could get the iPhone the first time I was excited beyond all get out and all I could do was think about it. Then I found out that I had to wait a month! I downloaded more apps during that month before I even owned the iPhone. I hit the point where I was thinking, "I just need to get this stupid thing so I can stop thinking about it!"

    I realize the last paragraph is rather embarrassing and may not even seem to be close to equivalent to what you are going through, but that's where my mind goes.

    Anyhow, love you and glad you share this way. You are a fantastic writer Nins!

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  5. Yes, that paragraph was rather embarrassing....for you. :) But I appreciate the thought none-the-less. You are a super brother, and I love you tons. Thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts with me.

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  6. Nina,

    The waiting sucks!!! You are right, and I can honestly say that as I am not in my second, or maybe this is technically my third waiting period. I am also pretty depleated right now. However, I can promise you this.... it will all disappear the moment you hold your child and that feeling will be one of those momentous feelings of your life. God will keep his promise, hang in there.

    Please send me your address and your moms. I will send some salt lic candy and maybe that will cheer you up a little.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

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  7. I can tell you that licorice would cheer me up right now!

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  8. Thanks for leaving me a comment on my blog. :) I had to come over to your blog and check it out, and saw you are also adopting from Ethiopia. I look forward to following your journey. :)

    The wait IS hard. Almost unbearable actually. I'm just so happy that we have this blog community to keep us going during the period of waiting.

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  9. Yay, Leah, and welcome! :) And YES, I love this blog community too. SOOOOO great!

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  10. Amen! and Amen!

    Thank you for the encouraging post on my blog. =)

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