Friday, March 25, 2011

When the Unknown is just too much....

The last few days were a very dark time for me here in Ethiopia. There are many emotions I have gone through. I have cried many many tears, and questioned God, and wondered why this has all been so painful.

About 3 days ago, I lay on the bed crying. I couldn’t understand why we were hitting delay after delay. Why couldn’t one single thing go smoothly? Why were there so many questions? Why were there so few answers. We have hit snags with the birth mother. We have had the question come up about whether or not the twins could be taken away from us. We have had problems with our agency. We have had constant miscommunication with just about every person we have met here. It has been so hard. It has been overwhelming. It has been almost too much.

As I lay on the bed crying, Wes sat down next to me and began to read scripture aloud. He read for quite a while. After he finished reading through the Word, he began to pray, and as Wes prayed he began to cry also. And there we were on our bed here in Addis Ababa, while the twins were sleeping, after 9 long weeks….and we wept. We wept together over everything. Great sobs escaped my lips, and my heart ached with the pain of everything that had happened. We had tried to be strong for so long, but we were at the end of our strength. And so we wept more. We had nothing left. God had to come through, or we would have nothing left to give. We would have nothing left to be able to continue to hope.

God had told us to pack our bags and get ready. He had told us to just trust Him. And yet here we were, once again, being told it could be several weeks before we left. More interviews had to be conducted. Paperwork had to be redone. Fear was plaguing us. What if we lost our babies? What if Wes had to go home ahead of me? How long would this take?

Had we missed God? Had we misheard Him? Had we done something wrong? Why couldn’t one single thing go right?

These were the questions that were hitting us….well, mainly me. My faith had been challenged, and I felt like I was losing the challenge. I had been strong for so long. I had been positive for so long, but I felt like my tank was empty. God was going to have to come through in a big way, or I would lose all hope.

Two days ago, when we were actually told it would be several more weeks, I felt crushed. I felt worse than the day before. There is nothing more difficult than the unknown in the adoption process. The unknown can mean so many things. It can mean long stays. It can mean faulty paperwork. It can mean losing your children. You just don’t know, because it is unknown, and all you can do is wait on the unknown, and pray it doesn’t steal your joy away.

And yet, in the back of my mind, and in the deepest parts of my soul, I still know that God is good. I know that He is for us and not against us. And as I lay there on the bed, weeping once again, Wes said something very important to me. He said that the enemy can try and take many things away from us. He can take away our homes, our families, our possessions….but there is one thing he can never take away from us….he can never take away our intimacy with Christ. And once again, we sat there, and just entered into His presence, and into His rest.

And today I am feeling a renewed sense of hope. I am sensing a refreshing of faith and rest. God has not left us, nor will He ever leave us. Today I hold firm to that truth. I can’t tell you what tomorrow will bring, but I can tell you that we will persevere, and even after everything we will stand.

Right now, we are believing in miracles, and praying that we will be able to go home next week. This will take miracles in many forms, but we know that our God is able. Would you believe with us?

And just so you know we can still laugh and have fun here, we thought we'd share a little video of our booger monster. She has been quite sick, but it makes for great video footage. I'm also enjoying watching Alex try to gouge her eye out with his toy...Ah, siblings.


  1. i am praying for your TOMORROW
    praying for your journey
    praying for your family!

    praying to him to get you home

  2. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
    John 14:27

  3. Don't be discouraged. You are a good person doing a good thing. The Lord knows your heart. We know Satan does like good families and will try all that he can to make it difficult for you, but good will prevail. Do what is right. Love your husband and children. This is just the beginning of a difficult journey, but it will be the best thing you have ever done.

  4. friend, we are still praying... we will keep praying. :) loving the booger monster video.

  5. Way to go Kentucky! Great game.

  6. Praying for you guys and your kiddos. Hope that God will give you peace and understanding. God bless!

  7. Niners,
    I can't find the right words to make it all better. I wish I could. Just know that we are praying for you and love you guys very very much!!! By the way, I just bought you guys 3 boxes of tissue. They are in your laundry room up on top of the washer. i couldn't pass them up. They were booked themed and screamed WES! at me. So, when you get home...would you please wipe that little ones nose!!!
    Love, Angela

  8. My heart hurts for you and Wes and all the emotional peaks and valleys you're feeling right now. All four of you are daily in my prayers and we will continue to pray for strength, good health, perseverance and miracles so that you can come home very soon! Lots of love being sent your way!

  9. Nina-
    I love the song by Amy Grant "Better than a Halleluiah" - and hoping on internet you might be able to hear it somehow. Here are some of the words below...your post is very pleasing to our Father and Lord -- going to him, he is pleased, honoring him, even more pleased... Satan loves to steal our peace, especially in challenging times. It is amazing you have each other, you and Wes to bring all things back to God. My tears are falling right now for you, knowing how hard it must be, but also knowing sometimes God has something very special in his plan after the refining fire of challenge. Hold on tight to him, as you are... He will bring you home. We keep praying for you. p.s. - we just got our India referral, travel won't be for 10 months still... we're praying for sooner to be able to get her..she's 18 months now. Blessings ~Renae. "God loves a lulluby
    In a mother's tears in the dead of night
    Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
    We pour out our miseries
    God just hears a melody
    Beautiful, the mess we are
    The honest cries of breaking hearts
    Are better than a Hallelujah"

  10. you have been on my mind so much as i have wondered when you will hear the words you have so been longing to hear and each time i pray. i pray for your strength, i pray for your sanity :) and i pray you will be headed home soon with all the questions behind you. on a happy note, we passed court last week! and as you know the wait begins again but i know that if i am to see you guys again, it will be in kentucky or perhaps california :)