It is no secret that in recent weeks I have succumbed to random outbursts of tears and crying. It seems that any blog about adoption ruins me....in a good way.
In my lifetime I have spent time in the streets of Ghana, Nepal, and India: three countries with some of the worst poverty you will ever witness. Each time I have returned home, I have felt almost numb....or perhaps 'unaffected' is a better word. For those of you who know me well, you have heard me talk about the struggles I have with feeling a deeper compassion for the people I have worked with in these countries. The knowledge of their poverty is in my head, but a deeper, God compassion, deep within in my heart, seems to be lacking. It has always bothered me, and made me feel that I lack in the department of love and compassion. Sometimes it has made me feel that I have no heart at all. I have worked in Mother Teresa's Home for the Dying in Calcutta several times, but in all the volunteer duties that needed to be accomplished in a single day, I often ended up on the roof, hanging wet sheets on the clothesline. I wasn't rushing to be with the woman who desperately needed love. This home is a place for the outcasts of India. It is a place for those who are close to death to come and spend their last days in peace and love. I watched patients come in struggling to breath. Some came in with little or no capacity to sit up or eat. I remember one woman in particular. She had just been brought in, and had a huge gaping wound on her calf. Maggots had infested the wound, and I watched one of my friends work with one of the sisters to remove the crawling and infected flesh. The woman lay there with little to no emotion on her face. Only silent tears fell. It seemed like she was too weak to even feel. And even in all of this, my heart lacked. I was fascinated by the two women who were cleaning this woman's wound, but I felt so little compassion for her. Not because I didn't want to. I knew the love God had for this hurt soul. I was well aware of her need of love. ALL the knowledge was up there in my head, but it still felt like my heart was unstirred.
As we have embarked on this adoption journey, I feel like I am coming out of some kind of deep sleep. My heart feels like it is coming to life. I pray that it is not a momentary thing, that it will not only last for a few months, but that it will continually grow and move in me for a lifetime.
Yesterday a friend of mine pointed me to yet another blog, and said that I should read it, and that I would probably cry. Ummmmm.....Yeah....that was a no-brainer. I immediately read it, and the waterworks began. If you haven't been there yet (which I am sure many of you in the adoption world already have), you MUST stop by her blog. It is titled, Kisses from Katie. It is written by a young girl who lives in Uganda. Oh, and did I mention she is only 21 years old? Oh, and how 'bout she has 14 children? Yes, you read that correctly. 14 children. Tears have poured as I have read through her various posts. She speaks of the radical Christianity Jesus calls us to. She speaks of a life of love, lived in such a way we may not have imagined.
It is worth the read. And after you have had a good enough cry, you might as well drop by 147 Million Orphans and buy one of these beautiful necklaces. I did. And you'll help feed some hungry stomachs too. And in the midst of all that, you'll feel yourself come to life just a little bit more than day before.